What do you do to waste time?

The idea about writing on this has been prickling in my mind ever since I listened to “Onnishesh Pran: Life Unending”, a reading on Rabindranath Tagore's life and work last November. I forgot all about it right after I came out of Radisson, and then remembered it, and then it slipped my mind again….so better pen it down before the thought decides to take a dive again …  

The Poet started painting when he was 60 years old. He says, ‘painting is liberating’. I don’t remember his exact words, but he says how completely he enjoys the time he ‘wastes’ to paint, as his  strokes are free from the burden of striving for recognition. He could lift the brushes without feeling the burden of living up to the reputation of “THE Rabindranath Tagore”. He says every word he writes would be analyzed and dissected and its quality examined for whether it’s befitting for a Nobel Laureate, whereas he can paint as a free man.

I loved the thought! I am sure it would resonate with anyone who has been through the exhausting cycle of living up to expectations, be it personally or professionally, be it to the world or to ourselves. With study, work, life style…we put ourselves through quality controls everywhere.  There’s always some benchmark to achieve.  If people don’t define it for us, we do.

Do you give yourself room enough to waste time? Have you been able to find the pursuit of only happiness, without a string of success attached? For me, it’s photography. I know I am not a good photographer and I am trying very hard not to feel the pressure of trying to be one. Danger is, we are groomed in such a way that we crave for admiration in whatever we do. Now to be liked and to wow people through my photographs, I need to go through some sort of learning mechanism, either train myself or get schooling, try to improve the quality of my technique, style, ideas…do you see how the temptation of comparison and competition can grip us even when we are doing something for fun?

I am scared of it! I want to learn photography, but I am scared how my sense of competition would overshadow the joy of ‘wasting time’! When I look at great photographers I feel sad thinking what’s the point if I can never be this good? How can I train my mind to think and believe that…that’s the whole point! I don’t have to be good. I read a great quote somewhere, ‘‘ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy''. So here’s hoping our naturally competitive souls learn to celebrate the beauty of wasting time....

A gay prince & the courage to be openly different

I was reading an article on young royals of India, not much of a surprise in their profiles - they are rich, well educated, and eligible. Then my mind almost took a summersault when the slideshow mentioned Prince Manvendra Singh Gohil, crown prince of Rajpipla, Gujarat. The 47 year old prince is gay and that too openly. He came out publicly with his sexual orientation that included appearing as a guest in Oprah and starring in an UK reality TV show on dating!

Even for a commoner in this part of the world, being ‘normal’ when it comes to sexual orientation and procreation are considered to be sacrosanct. The first is even legally prescribed and I am sure, given an opportunity, people would not hesitate to declare ‘childless by choice’ illegal as well. As a report in LA Times rightly articulates: ‘Those who feel different learn to keep it to themselves and to feel guilt-stricken about it.’

Imagine what the pressure on a royal would be to be ‘normal’, to marry and have children in order to continue the family name and then think of the courage it took for him to defy all that, risk his royal inheritance and to openly be the person he is.

Relenting to the cultural pressure to marry, he married in 1991 but the relationship ended in a divorce the following year. He went onto start a community-based organisation dedicated to support gay men and to education about and prevention of HIV/Aids. Then in 2002, after a nervous breakdown, his psychiatrist informed his parents about his sexuality. Disbelief and denial followed as well as attempts to ‘cure’ him by both medical and religious means. Eventually, the prince's parents demanded he keep his sexuality secret and asked him to remarry. ‘As long as no one knows and things appear normal’ – a royal family is no different in that sentiment from an ordinary one.

But he was no ordinary person. In 2006, he talked publicly about his sexual orientation. He says: ‘It was difficult to be gay in my family. The villagers worship us and we are role models for them. I knew that they would never accept me for who I truly am, but I also knew that I could no longer live a lie. I wanted to come out because I had gotten involved with activism and I felt it was no longer right to live in the closet. I came out as gay to a Gujarati daily because I wanted people to openly discuss homosexuality since it’s a hidden affair with a lot of stigma attached.’

In his home state, effigies of the prince were burned, demands were made that he be stripped of his title for bringing shame on his name and he was disinherited by his parents. His parents publicly disowned their only son, printing notices in the press that he was cut off as heir because of his involvement in 'activities unacceptable to society.' Gohil's mother has threatened contempt proceedings against anyone who refers to him as her son.

The disowning, however, is likely to remain a symbolic act rather than legally enforceable, given India's modern inheritance laws. His mother Rukmini Devi has still not come to terms with her son's sexual preference. Father Raghubir Singh has reconciled after seeing his son's work in the field of HIV-AIDS awareness. His organisation Lakshya has reached 17,000 gays in Gujarat and won a 2006 UNAIDS award.

In 2008, the prince announced plans to adopt saying: ‘I have carried out all my responsibilities as the prince so far and will continue as long as I can. I will also adopt a child soon so that all traditions continue.’ If the adoption proceeds, it will be the first known case of a single gay man adopting a child in India.

I find such poise and maturity when he speaks in an interview: ‘I don't blame them at all. I'd probably do the same in their situation. I blame their ignorance. I don't want to run away from the society that has burned my effigy and I will educate them as to what is the truth and what is not the truth. Unless they get that understanding, they won't change.’

I am not writing about gay rights; don’t know much about the issue, I am just humbled by Prince Manvendra Singh Gohil’s courage to stand up for whoever he is. This is someone who really took 'the road less travelled by’ as Robert Frost would have said. As a royalty, he is used to people bowing to him, and I find it very hard not to respect his courage.

"How much land does a man need?"

I am a typical materialist who gets adrenaline rush from shopping. I get drawn towards shop signs showing "SALE" like a moth to the flame and can't resist bargain hunts. As i am getting ready to relocate to a different country, I am now having to pick and choose what i need out of the mountainous mess inside my cupboard. The experience of downsizing a disorganized shopaholic's closet can be extremely stressful. Things just get piled up and seldom get thrown away. I wish I lived light, had fewer items and stopped acquiring. At the same breath that I make this wish, I also know that I won’t be able to resist the next beautiful bag I come across or the temptation of a shopping trip to Kolkata or Bangkok :-)

Few days back, I was quite inspired by an article published in the New York Times. Tommy Strobel, 31, former project manager for an investment management firm in California used to own a two bedroom condo, two cars and the usual closet full of stuff. She was on the  “work-spend treadmill”, the article writes. But one day she “stepped off the treadmill”.  Inspired by books and blog entries about living simply, Strobel and her husband, Logan Smith began donating their belongings to charity and tried living with 100 personal belongings. They sold off the condo, cars and even the TV.  After three years, they now live at a 400-square-foot apartment, ride cycles, own four plates, three pairs of shoes and two pots. Here’s a link to the article: http://tiny.cc/iclzq. Tammy writes a blog about her experience: http://rowdykittens.com/ and has also written books titled "Simply Care-free" and "Smalltopia". “Imagine what the world would look like if we pursued our dreams rather than more stuff. Pursue happiness and not more stuff” she writes on her blog.

While their story inspired me, I never got to practice the minimalistic lifestyle.Some day, may be. I am not ready yet to give up the temptations! One thing I have started doing though, whenever I travel, instead of collecting souvenirs or memorabilia of that place, I now try to gather experiences. I didn't get a mini Eiffel tower or a Monalisa merchandise from Paris, rather walked around & photographed the Parisians. I still cherish memories from that lazy afternoon/evening walk as one of my most treasured possessions and they make me happier than any material souvenir could. 

A concurrent thought about "how much is enough" occurred when i was comparing two contestants of the quiz show Kaun Banega Crorepati (who wants to be a millionaire). On one hand there was Prashant Batar, who was the first person on this year’s show to win and then loose 1 crore rupee. After winning 1 crore, he played a gamble, went for the 5 crore rupee jack pot question and ended up going home with only 3.2 lacs as he answered incorrectly. He could have safely skipped the show with  1 crore, but he went ahead and took the risk. Prashant is a share broker from UP.

On the other hand, there was Jyoti Chauhan from Rajasthan who is a constable. From the very first question, her nervousness was showing and a video clipping on her life revealed why. She earns 4000 rupees a month and has a loan to pay off. “I just want 2 lacs to pay off my loan” she says, "and if possible, some more for the operation of my daughter. just 2 or 3 lacs would be enough”. Notice how she didn't say - the more the better! She knew exactly how much she wanted and how much would be enough. During the quiz, she took help of the lifelines even though she knew some of the answers. That limited her opportunity of rising to a higher level and ultimately she went home with 12 lacs. "I don't want to risk it. How can I risk it?" she kept on stressing when the host asked her about why she used up all her lifelines so early in the game. "When you live in hardship, every rupee helps. Whatever amount I win today is going to come into use" she said.

I won't judge here whether Prashant was right or wrong to gamble with 1 crore rupees, as I would surely be biased and comment based on what I would have done if I were in his shoes. I was just looking at these two people, their decision making patterns and thinking how differently we define "enough". Does it depend on social strata? responsibilities? personalities? or is it based on how small or big our dreams are? Their stories reminded me of Leo Tolstoy's "How much land does a man need?". 

We are always taught to dream big. aspiration and  ambition are revered. "sky is the limit" has been ingrained in our value system. but does it also make us a bit restless as we race and forget to draw the finishing line? 

I love the Tata Safari advertisement titled "Reclaim your life". The ad starts with a guy perched inside a tent hanging from a cliff. What follow are breathtaking shots of snow-capped mountains, beaches, gushing rivers and such, interspersed with the following captions – “If you looked back on your life, what would you remember ? The corner office? The corporate power plays? The VIP lounge? What would you remember? Life goes by before you know it. Can you feel it pass you by?”

Endearing words! here's  the ad:


                                    

Life and death

I have been visiting the hospital to see an ailing grandmother, she is 85 and in pain. Last night, went inside the ICU at PG Hospital to see if they have any bed available for her. I am frightened by any hospital experience and tried to keep my eyes tightly glued to the floor so that i don't, even accidentally, look at the patients. We were speaking to the Duty Doctor and i caught a glimpse of one patient - unconscious, with oxygen tubes, bandaged. I closed my eyes as fast as i could. Another patient had just come in. Could not help hearing the murmur - that it might be too late, which nurse was available to look at the patient at  bed number 5, shuffling of prescriptions, frantic phone calls.

I did not know how to feel being in the room which marks the boundary of life and death. Urgent, important, critical, deadline - all these words take a different meaning inside the ICU or become meaningless. I felt, sometimes we use the expression "life and death" too lightly in everyday life and my intention here is not to undermine the intensity of the feeling when we say "why didn't you rather kill me" or "i wish i were dead". 

I just felt numb looking at the literal meaning of life and death inside the ICU. At that moment, life meant being able to walk, breathe, talk, smile, do, hold, touch, sit on the grass out in the open - all the simple verbs.

Joy of reading & "The reluctant fundamentalist"

I enjoy getting lost in a book and coming under its spell. A good book is like a wonderful journey through the woods, through unknown but irresistible paths, which makes me feel calm and upbeat at the same time as i explore the pages and savor the experience of being absorbed. Finding a good book is like finding a treasure.I end up with a satisfied, joyous feeling of discovery, a feeling that i have found something which i can come back to again and again.A good book emotionally hijacks me from the real world and i enjoy being a captive to a master story teller!

I enjoyed reading Mohsin Hamid's "The reluctant fundamentalist". I wasn't aware of the writer, i wasn't aware of the book. I think i read the back cover at an airport bookshop and picked it up more than two years ago. But i forgot all about it and only started reading yesterday. It's not a heavy book, 184 pages. The cover says it was shortlisted for the Man Booker Prize 2007. Somehow when i see a book has been nominated for an award, i get prejudiced thinking that the subject matter might be too complex and the writing might be too serious for my liking. So i have not read God of Small Things or the Jhumpa Lahiri book [can't remember the exact title] The interpreter of maladies.

Coming back to "The reluctant fundamentalist": i found the narration and the style of story telling delicious like a cheese cake which i like to devour slowly, spoon by spoon. Not haste it, as i don't want the taste to fade away or the cake to finish too soon. Does the metaphor sound too cheesy? I mean i enjoyed reading it at slow pace, getting absorbed in the pages. Do i sound snob when i say Mohsin Hamid's English is much more fluid and free flowing and engaging than Chetan Bhagat's?

The story is a monologue of a Pakistani, a Princeton graduate and former high flying corporate executive, who left the American dream after 9/11 and came back to Lahore. He narrates his journey back home and back to his roots to an unnamed, unidentified American  sitting opposite  him at a roadside restaurant in Lahore. I liked reading the book, as it felt like Changez, the narrator, let me in into the conversation. As if i was sitting right next to him, when he was narrating the story.

Mohsin Hamid has a way with  words, he can make up poetic, beautiful expressions. It always amazes me how a good writer can conjure up a beautiful expression with simple, known words. Like a magician...something beautiful emerges from the pages. A good writer takes all the words we know and then comes up with an expression which is surprisingly new, refreshing, unexpected- the whole ends up being greater than the some of its parts. And i have an envious admiration for that kind of power and ability. I feel a good story teller can play with words and form clouds of thoughts for me to get lost. Like when Mohsin Hamid writes: " Status, as in any traditional, class-conscious society, declines more slowly than wealth" or " it leaves space for your thoughts to echo". 

That is exactly why i liked reading this book. It touched me with a sense of familiarity with expressions i could relate to and also as Erica, whom you will get to know if you read the book, says: "left space for my thoughts to echo". 

Book review: "The 3 mistakes of my life"

After watching " 3 idiots" i was looking forward to read Chetan Bhagat's books. The movie is based on Chetan's "Five point someone". So i picked up his third book " The 3 mistakes of my life" with great expectations. It's got all the ingredients to resonate with indian readers: cricket, religion, racial violence, pinch of patriotism, young romance. Chetan plays himself in the book, a writer cum investment banker based in Singapore.

The story starts well... Chetan gets an anonymous email from one of his readers saying he's going to commit suicide: "I am an ordinary boy in Ahmedabad who read your books. I can't really tell anyone what i am doing to myself - which is taking a sleeping pill every time i end a sentence - so i thought i would tell you...." Chetan manages to track down Govind Patel, who wrote the email, at an hospital in Ahmedabad and flies down to India to meet him. The rest of the book is in Govind's narration about his two friends Ishan and Omi, their sports shop " Team India", Ishan's sister Vidya, a young muslim cricket protege Ali and of course, the 3 mistakes of Govind's life.

I am not a book critic and my views are merely of an ordinary reader. I did not find the book gripping except for few brilliant passages here and there. It seemed to be a concoction of too many things, trying to connect all possible aspects of modern India in one story. The writing style isn't free flowing and seamless, rather like a montage of incidents.

Like "Five point someone" this book too is soon going to be a movie and i think, with the right actors, it'll make a better movie than a book. Chetan's writing seemed more apt for a screen play, than a book.So i am probably not picking up another Chetan Bhagat book, rather i will stick to watching the movie adaptation of his stories.

Backpacking as a 30+

I did my first backpacking when i was already 30+. As they say, better late than never. I know most westerners do their round of backpacking across europe/asia in their 20s. they save up from their summer jobs, take a study break and venture out into the world before taking the big leap as professionals.

When i travel now and see students out to explore the world for a month, sometimes for longer...i feel a sharp pang of jealousy. As a bangladeshi student, i haven't seen anyone i know enjoying that 'luxury' of footloose travel. we are paranoid about even a fortnight of unemployment and for valid reasons. What would i have written in my resume? "backpacked in india, met thousands of new people and gained a lifetime experience" unfortunately would not have counted for much to get me ahead in the corporate race. I could not dare to take that risk and very simply, could not afford :-) my starting salary in 2001 was 10,000 taka and if i hadn't had my home car for drop and pick up, i would have ended up spending the entire salary on taxi fare. So around the world in 80 days remained a dream for me, a mirage to chase, while i was busy securing a place in the job market.

couple of other things stops us from traveling. our families would get a scare if we announce after graduation: "hey i don't want to join the job market just yet; i want to take it easy in life and discover my passion". I can see the daggers of practicality and realism taking down even the very thought of irresponsible bohemianism. We are all groomed to follow a certain path. The boxes of the tic-tac-toe of our lives are already defined and it's unimaginable to step out of the squares. the winning formula of success and happiness is predefined by social expectations. This is why our generation relates so spontaneously to the movie 3 idiots and the song "give me some sunshine, give me some rain, give me another chance, i wanna grow up once again"!

second concern is security. i haven't seen most of my country yet. but my sense of security and self consciousness stop me. i would be dead scared to travel anywhere in bangladesh alone as a female traveler. so in my 20s, i stayed safe and followed the usual route of study-graduate-work. i missed the opportunity to travel when i was studying in UK in 2006-7 for a year. life long habit dies hard. i was homesick, scared, not adventurous and let it pass.

but now, i grab every opportunity of traveling that comes my way. i have backpacked in europe on my own and happy to be finally living the dream. backpacking gives me a refreshing feeling of having no strings attached. by strings i mean - a highly regimented itinerary and carrying the load of heavy luggage. i can stay anywhere - a youth hostel or a bread and breakfast -and am not constrained by predefined itinerary or hotel reservations. i have everything i need in the backpack and can move anytime i want. it gives an amazing sense of freedom and mobility. when i backpack, i also realize how little i can do with. everything has to be counted, every item of cloth, every gram of weight and it's a good experience to be able to survive with the bare minimum. it also puts a natural stop to my shopping urges - as i simply don't have any space to accommodate the extra baggage :-) so when on a tight budget, backpacking is highly recommended.

it's not everyone's cup of tea, as the living and travel arrangements are not often perfect. i have seen people sneer at the idea of staying at a hostel or a shared dormitory. some might say it does not go with my social standing or my age. backpacking means you are not always the most fashionably dressed. being unkempt, spending weeks in just one pair of shoe and no shopping - does not sound appealing. but i enjoy the lightness, the no hassle packing, the mobility and the sense of freedom that comes with it. try it! it can be addictive!